GAMES DESTROYER: Valve axes Steam Greenlight, announces replacement program Steam Blacklight

After years of consumer complaints surrounding Valve's Steam Greenlight program, the company recently announced it would replace its controversial program with a "fresher, less terrible system for developers lacking publisher support." The new program, Steam Blacklight, will allow independent developers to publish their games on Steam with a small fee of five thousand dollars--and a detailed tour of the developers' studio.

"We can't really afford to publish games from studios who can't clean up after themselves," said Valve company president Gabe Newell, taking a break from dutifully scrubbing each individual urinal at Valve Headquarters. "At Valve, we strive for two things: high-quality products, and immaculately clean pipes. If our burgeoning developers can't pass a black light inspection, they certainly can't pass compliance."

"The Blacklight program will ensure gamers are not sold games designed by unclean hands," said a Valve employee wishing to remain anonymous. "That nominal fee is also there to pay for our travel accommodations and research into new forms of revenue. Valve's goal in 2017 is to introduce highly-detailed toilets, as well as promotional toilet mods, in all major game releases; that fee will help everyone involved with the process."

Shortly after press time, Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford quickly volunteered to curate Steam Blacklight, citing a fairly obscure subclause allowing triple-A developers to volunteer for the system if their revenue had yet to surpass the submission fee for new releases. "Well, I mean we had to pay all those Rule 34 artists somehow. Not that I've seen those posts on the official Rule 34 Battleborn Subreddit, which you can visit with the provided link." The embattled CEO then began yelling at press members while throwing stacks of Battleborn registration codes into the crowd.

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