E3 2017 Day One Wrap Up: EA

I'm so done with this shit. E3 is the pits: an indulgent, hedonistic ritual to showcase video games we could all just watch as press releases. Since developers need game journalists and game journalists need to justify their jobs, E3 is half a celebration of excess and half game journalists just repeating what we could have watched with our own eyes with a snide "take" on everything. You're game journalists, nobody cares about whatever conversation you're trying to peddle.

EA, the first developer to create video games out of their own employees' blood, began the show a day early--as if they couldn't inflate their ego any further--and opened their show with a completely detached and boring show from a drumline in sports uniforms that I could not possibly care any less about. The reason for this needless waste of time? Why, announcing the new Madden product will feature a story mode, because that worked very well for 2K's NBA 2K16.

After some meaningless business talk from an EA suit, the conference then switched over to Battlefield 1, a game which single-handedly ruined the release of my favorite game of last year. Apparently they're putting out paid DLC with more maps to divide their playerbase--a draconian practice Titanfall 2 discarded because that game and Respawn are awesome. Beginning with their Battlefield 1 showcase, EA introduced the main thesis of their show: EA is hip with the kids, so here are a bunch of lame, unfunny, cringe-inducing game streamers who shouted at the TV and caused much euphoria among pre-teens who don't want to play video games.

The subsequent twenty hours of the show were dedicated to FIFA, announcing...??? It was here that the streaming thesis fell apart entirely with some no-name Youtuber fumbling over the most basic of tasks: reading a teleprompter. I would have been embarrassed if I wasn't choking to death on my laughter. The game this nobody ruined his life over? The new Need for Speed product. Did you play the last one? You won't play this one either!

The developers of the critically-acclaimed Indie Darling Brothers then took the stage to announce their new game, A Way Out. This new game will force the player to ruin their experience with a co-op partner through the entire experience. The presenter couldn't remember his own name, so why would I trust someone like this with my very hard-earned and valuable money? Pass.

EA's disgraced team Bioware teased a new game which was only a CG trailer and promised the "full trailer" at Microsoft's presentation. I'm sure Bioware can definitely handle a new project after Dragon Age II, Mass Effect 3, Star Wars: The Old Republic, Dragon Age: Inquisition, and Mass Effect: Andromeda. If you're not comfortable showing me gameplay--and Bioware should never feel comfortable--then please get right out of my rugged face, I don't care at all about CG non-game trailers and you shouldn't either; these don't show you a thing about the game and can be manipulated in ways that don't reflect the game at all. The presenter also referred to the game as "vast" so I'm sure it's going to be a worthless open-world title.

~sports~

"Thirty minutes of pure, unadultered Star Wars" sounds like a brand new circle of Hell that Satan created just for Millennials. "Someone," whose name I can't remember and will be referenced solely by the name "Someone," very excitedly announced that EA took common sense into account and will implement a new offline single-player campaign into Battlefront 2. However, Someone's enthusiasm rubbed on me so much that I'm probably going to skip the game out of spite. It looks pretty fun, actually, and all the vehicle combat looks great--it's just a shame that the actress involved had to be excited to show off the story mode, because now I'll just think about how annoyed I was for a few seconds while watching EA's conference.

All in all, I'd give EA's 2017 conference an F-. I'm sure a lot of people would really appreciate the Star Wars stuff, but as a human being who can't handle anymore of the franchise at this point I'm lukewarm. The presenter was obnoxious and I'd rather just play Titanfall 2, but I'm mildly interested. That indie game threatening me with forced co-op pissed me off, and a combined hour of sports was purely uninteresting to me. Of course, there's Bioware's new embarrassing game to look out for, but only for the fact that if this game does poorly, EA will probably sell them off or something.

A note on the other E3 conferences this year: I'm extremely busy the week of E3 so I probably won't have my reactions up as timely as this one. Truth be told, they'll probably be up the day after the conferences air, if not a bit later. I'm trying to keep things on track but life stuff is more important than video games. As always, follow my social media accounts (one of you better do it this time) if you want to stay updated.

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