How Do You Do, Fellow Rebels?
I want to start by saying everything about Rogue One felt wrong. Maybe it was the fact that I missed the first five minutes because the concession peasant couldn't handle the line of two entire human beings, but by the time I got back the action was focused on apparently the new Star Wars hero archetype: loner brunette young woman with an attitude problem and a tragic past involving her absentee parents. I can't recall her name exactly, Jam or Gin or something like that, but it doesn't matter because not a single character in Rogue One contains any personality outside of extremely generic, tired tropes.
People lambasted The Force Awakens as a Star Wars-by-committee, but despite its massive retreading of old ground it feels like a masterful work of fiction compared to the egregious blandness of Rogue One. This is a film that would barely serve as a passable action flick with another skin, but something about it being another bad Star Wars gives me a sinking feeling for the future of the series.
I know it's not the first time a film in the franchise has been bad, but for Disney this is one-for-two. What makes it so bad, you might ask? Surely it's not such a crime for a film to just be standard action tripe. Look at Mad Max: Fury Road; as far as movies go it's a fairly basic action movie. The difference here is that its heart was in the right place. Fury Road knew what it was and didn't try to over-complicate things. At its core was a simple tale of escape and downtrodden people attempting to make life better for themselves in the face of inhuman atrocities.
Rogue One attempts several things at once and fails at all of them: on one side is a desperate attempt for Disney to create a lovable ensemble cast; on the other is a garish attempt at a dark action flick with all the bite of a dead horse. To begin with the characters though, much like the prequels it's extremely difficult to even remember names and characteristics of the ensemble. Character growth is all but meaningless given the context of the ending, and considering it's a story we already know there's no reason to ever think these supposed mythical figures were meant to carry much weight in the overall lore of Star Wars. Oh yeah, we might not know their names but their actions--blah blah blah. If that's the thesis of the film then where's the tension? It doesn't matter that there's a generic imperial officer standing in the characters' way when we know that neither he nor the cast make an appearance, or are even referred to once, in any later film. Yeah, I'm sure I'll be extremely surprised by the end result. At least Kyle Katarn went on his own adventures after he single-handedly stole the plans to the Death Star. Redacted by Disney droids.
Character Flaws
Considering the team is supposed to be the critical lynch-pin of the entirety of the rebel alliance, there's very little to actually say about each character other than what they contribute to combat. There's a blind Jedi what fights good and occasionally mutters mystical babble, but I can't for the life of me remember his name. He has a buddy who has a big gun, and his biggest character trait is that he can shoot his big gun. At one point in the movie he shoots his big gun at a lot of people, and that's cool I suppose.
Then there's the pilot--who literally has his personality sucked out by a generic tentacle monster--and a rebel saboteur who...well, he runs around. His goals are so murky that when the film presents a twist that he might not have the best of intentions, it completely falls flat because the audience had no clue what he was supposed to be doing in the first place. The rebel alliance seems to just hire anyone who will come along, motivation be damned. He does mention that the rebellion is just a way of life for him, having been conscripted as a child. Don't look further for depth, because you won't find any.
And of course, there's 「lovable wise-cracking sidekick」. You know you're supposed to love 「lovable wise-cracking sidekick」because he cracks jokes and fights good. Oh don't worry, glossy-eyed reader, because 「lovable wise-cracking sidekick」isn't the only character to be a smarmy one-liner. And oh boy are you going to love his wise-cracks! This is a Disney movie, and if the MCU has shown us anything it's that no living being within the universe can ever go five minutes without becoming 「lovable wise-cracking sidekick」in their own way. In all seriousness, this brings me to one of the more egregious moments in Rogue One.
I Guess Not Even Vader is Sacred Anymore.
I'm not going to say Darth Vader is ruined, because Vader has always been an incredible character. I will say that like Revenge of the Sith, Rogue One completely ruins their depiction of one of the most iconic villains in all of film. Call me jaded, but having Darth Vader pop out a one-liner like a typical MCU villain made my heart hurt--maybe even worse than the infamous "Nooo!" I won't say much, but the character has so few lines that I'm almost baffled he could be handled so poorly.
But Disney has their talons in every facet of Star Wars now, and as such nothing has been deemed sacred. Of the more unbelievably shocking decisions in the film, the directors decided that the characters Princess Leia and Grand Moff Tarkin were apparently essential to appear in the film, and rather than recast either of them some idiot decided it would be fine to create CG faces over the actors present.
Think about that. Now anybody can just pretend to be a dead actor or actress, why even bother with subtlety anymore? And don't worry, it's not good CG either. Rogue One audiences are treated to extremely cartoonish CG characters running around interacting with normal humans. No, not like Jar Jar CG characters, I mean actual CG human beings emoting and gesticulating in a way that even a robot would have a violent uncanny valley reaction. It might be the most horrific use of computer graphics I've ever seen in a movie, and that's without considering the extremely uncomfortable appearance of a young replacement Carrie Fischer only days after her death. It's so morbid that I came out of the theater feeling more shocked than anything.
Oh yeah, Princess Leia is in the film. Nobody told me this going in, but when Disney said Rogue One was a prequel to A New Hope, they meant a direct prequel. So direct, in fact, that there might be about ten minutes' worth of time between the end of this film and the original. And boy oh boy do you bet there are a heaping ton of plot holes.
A Multitude of Plot Holes and Bad Writing
Everything about the plot of Rogue One is wrong, and from here on out I'm going to just assume you've either seen the movie or I've done my part to dissuade you so expect spoilers.
In an attempt to shoehorn in as many unnecessary cameos as possible, C3PO and R2D2 appear on the rebel base. C3PO bemoans his ignorance of the situation while the two watch the rebel fleet blast into hyper space--the same rebel fleet containing the ship Leia appears in at the beginning of A New Hope. You know, the one the droids are on. Don't worry about it, just keep throwing popcorn in your fat mouth and watch the explosions!
I also have a problem with the stupid way the Force is presented. Not that the Force itself is stupid, but the vessel for the Force being shoved into the film--Blind McToken-san--completely destroys any subtlety in multiple scenes by chanting the mantra "I'm one with the Force, the Force is one with me." Boy that's a mouthful, hope he doesn't have to repeat it dozens of times in a single minute at several points in the movie. And it would definitely be a shame if he chanted his mantra very loudly over points where it's very clear Force shenanigans are occurring. To make sure you understand what's happening, Genericmonk Diversity-kun passes his stupid mantra to his buddy, Dontknow Yourname who also chants the saying. Wouldn't want viewers to think, now would we?
And why is Vader sitting around in Sauron's Tower in the middle of a volcano planet? Does he not have extremely bad memories of volcanoes? I'm not saying his house is in a bizarre location but if I lost my legs to ravenous crocodiles I'd probably avoid building a four-story mansion in a swamp.
The Death Star also gives me pause. Not the installation itself, but again the presentation of the war machine in the film. Are you telling me the empire could have just blown up the imperial city on Alderaan to show off the Death Star's weapon but they decided to be jerks and vaporize the entire planet? I didn't know a planet-obliterating super weapon had levels of severity.
The end of Revenge of the Sith implies the Death Star was under construction and was surveyed by both the emperor and Vader near-constantly, yet the rebellion didn't even know its existence until roughly a week or two before they planned to launch their assault? How poor were their information networks to be unaware of a moon-sized doomsday machine? I know Obi-Wan and Han were thrown off for a bit when they approached it but I always thought it was because they were kind of hicks; do you mean to tell me nobody had any idea the Death Star was in construction? Give me a break, guys.
And we didn't need to see that the exhaust port was an intentional design flaw. You can tell me Vader was a whiny teenager all day, but once you start retconning completely unnecessary plot details to fit into a weepy melodrama in a story nobody wanted I completely check out. Nothing about the sabotage plan made any sense and cheapens the impact of Luke being overcome by the Force in order to destroy the Death Star. If Mads designed the exhaust port to intentionally be sabotaged then does that mean he intended for any stupid bastard to be able to blow it up? Luke saved the day in the nick of time and he was only able to do so with the Force, but if they weren't in such a hurry is the implication that Joe Shitkicker could have slipped his boot into the exhaust port and destroyed the entire thing?
Conclusion
I hated Rogue One in a way I never knew possible. What I thought would be a long cold war film set in a franchise I loved instead devolved into a bipolar, nonsensical mess full of cliches, plot holes, and some of the most uneven writing I've seen all year--including my own, and that's quite a feat. Everything about Rogue One is completely dreadful and I regret having seen it. This is a popcorn movie for people who hate both movies and popcorn, who just want to see pretty colors and stupid things they remember from their childhood. At least the last hour is pure mind-numbing action for the stupids, I guess? Maybe Episode VIII will be better.
OH YEAH HERE'S AN UNPRECEDENTED EDIT: PLEASE DESIST WITH SHAKY CAM DURING DIALOGUE. PLEASE. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO THROW UP BECAUSE THE CAMERA MAN WAS HAVING THE SHAKES. STOP.
Unwatchable
I Guess Not Even Vader is Sacred Anymore.
I'm not going to say Darth Vader is ruined, because Vader has always been an incredible character. I will say that like Revenge of the Sith, Rogue One completely ruins their depiction of one of the most iconic villains in all of film. Call me jaded, but having Darth Vader pop out a one-liner like a typical MCU villain made my heart hurt--maybe even worse than the infamous "Nooo!" I won't say much, but the character has so few lines that I'm almost baffled he could be handled so poorly.
But Disney has their talons in every facet of Star Wars now, and as such nothing has been deemed sacred. Of the more unbelievably shocking decisions in the film, the directors decided that the characters Princess Leia and Grand Moff Tarkin were apparently essential to appear in the film, and rather than recast either of them some idiot decided it would be fine to create CG faces over the actors present.
Think about that. Now anybody can just pretend to be a dead actor or actress, why even bother with subtlety anymore? And don't worry, it's not good CG either. Rogue One audiences are treated to extremely cartoonish CG characters running around interacting with normal humans. No, not like Jar Jar CG characters, I mean actual CG human beings emoting and gesticulating in a way that even a robot would have a violent uncanny valley reaction. It might be the most horrific use of computer graphics I've ever seen in a movie, and that's without considering the extremely uncomfortable appearance of a young replacement Carrie Fischer only days after her death. It's so morbid that I came out of the theater feeling more shocked than anything.
Oh yeah, Princess Leia is in the film. Nobody told me this going in, but when Disney said Rogue One was a prequel to A New Hope, they meant a direct prequel. So direct, in fact, that there might be about ten minutes' worth of time between the end of this film and the original. And boy oh boy do you bet there are a heaping ton of plot holes.
A Multitude of Plot Holes and Bad Writing
Everything about the plot of Rogue One is wrong, and from here on out I'm going to just assume you've either seen the movie or I've done my part to dissuade you so expect spoilers.
In an attempt to shoehorn in as many unnecessary cameos as possible, C3PO and R2D2 appear on the rebel base. C3PO bemoans his ignorance of the situation while the two watch the rebel fleet blast into hyper space--the same rebel fleet containing the ship Leia appears in at the beginning of A New Hope. You know, the one the droids are on. Don't worry about it, just keep throwing popcorn in your fat mouth and watch the explosions!
I also have a problem with the stupid way the Force is presented. Not that the Force itself is stupid, but the vessel for the Force being shoved into the film--Blind McToken-san--completely destroys any subtlety in multiple scenes by chanting the mantra "I'm one with the Force, the Force is one with me." Boy that's a mouthful, hope he doesn't have to repeat it dozens of times in a single minute at several points in the movie. And it would definitely be a shame if he chanted his mantra very loudly over points where it's very clear Force shenanigans are occurring. To make sure you understand what's happening, Genericmonk Diversity-kun passes his stupid mantra to his buddy, Dontknow Yourname who also chants the saying. Wouldn't want viewers to think, now would we?
And why is Vader sitting around in Sauron's Tower in the middle of a volcano planet? Does he not have extremely bad memories of volcanoes? I'm not saying his house is in a bizarre location but if I lost my legs to ravenous crocodiles I'd probably avoid building a four-story mansion in a swamp.
The Death Star also gives me pause. Not the installation itself, but again the presentation of the war machine in the film. Are you telling me the empire could have just blown up the imperial city on Alderaan to show off the Death Star's weapon but they decided to be jerks and vaporize the entire planet? I didn't know a planet-obliterating super weapon had levels of severity.
 |
| How badly do you want to hurt this planet? |
The end of Revenge of the Sith implies the Death Star was under construction and was surveyed by both the emperor and Vader near-constantly, yet the rebellion didn't even know its existence until roughly a week or two before they planned to launch their assault? How poor were their information networks to be unaware of a moon-sized doomsday machine? I know Obi-Wan and Han were thrown off for a bit when they approached it but I always thought it was because they were kind of hicks; do you mean to tell me nobody had any idea the Death Star was in construction? Give me a break, guys.
And we didn't need to see that the exhaust port was an intentional design flaw. You can tell me Vader was a whiny teenager all day, but once you start retconning completely unnecessary plot details to fit into a weepy melodrama in a story nobody wanted I completely check out. Nothing about the sabotage plan made any sense and cheapens the impact of Luke being overcome by the Force in order to destroy the Death Star. If Mads designed the exhaust port to intentionally be sabotaged then does that mean he intended for any stupid bastard to be able to blow it up? Luke saved the day in the nick of time and he was only able to do so with the Force, but if they weren't in such a hurry is the implication that Joe Shitkicker could have slipped his boot into the exhaust port and destroyed the entire thing?
Conclusion
I hated Rogue One in a way I never knew possible. What I thought would be a long cold war film set in a franchise I loved instead devolved into a bipolar, nonsensical mess full of cliches, plot holes, and some of the most uneven writing I've seen all year--including my own, and that's quite a feat. Everything about Rogue One is completely dreadful and I regret having seen it. This is a popcorn movie for people who hate both movies and popcorn, who just want to see pretty colors and stupid things they remember from their childhood. At least the last hour is pure mind-numbing action for the stupids, I guess? Maybe Episode VIII will be better.
OH YEAH HERE'S AN UNPRECEDENTED EDIT: PLEASE DESIST WITH SHAKY CAM DURING DIALOGUE. PLEASE. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO THROW UP BECAUSE THE CAMERA MAN WAS HAVING THE SHAKES. STOP.
Unwatchable
